If you're anything like me and you went to college, your reason was purely self serving. That is, to learn about something you truly enjoy. At least, I hope that's the way it works, cause, man, would the opposite suck. Whether you have 2, 4, 6, 8 or more years worth of college memories, I think most look on those with fondness and maybe a sense of loss.

Me, I have 7. I fooled around for the majority of those, changing my major, being irresponsible, having fun and learning a lot. I ended up with a BA in Art from the University of California, Santa Cruz.

In retrospect, graduation day is up there among my worst of days. Well, the day itself was grand: friends and family, lots of flowers, pretty dress, good food, pats on the back and hugs, congratulations and "we can't wait to see what you do next". But the day marks the end of something wonderful.

The two years prior to graduation I had painted almost everyday; camping out at the studio with a six pack, some munchable, the smell of oils, a blanket on an old funky couch, painting all night, sleeping and waking to more painting. I haven't painted since graduation.

I HAVEN'T PAINTED SINCE GRADUATION!

And that was almost 3 years ago.

And everyday that goes by is another I don't paint. Everyday I fall a bit more into a mundane routine of adulthood. Wake up, feed the horses and dogs, putz around for a few hours, go to work, sleep, repeat. Wait, it that adulthood or the routine of depression?

Painting saved my life. It gave me a way to express myself that wasn't abusive on my body. It was the first thing in my life I was confident about. I knew I was good at it and it was mine. My talent, my gift. It helped me to raise my self esteem by allowing me to see all the things in life I was competent at. Now I am watching myself slip back into the depression that existed before painting. All the evidence is there: monotonous routine, lots of sleep, messy room (the external environment reflects the internal), no appetite and a lack of interest in almost everything.

How do I pull myself out of this mire? I did it before, but I've forgotten the steps to take. I know I have to take charge and do it. I can't stay stuck like this.

So, I need to make some changes, drastic changes. I'm going to empty my room and house of all distraction. Pack up my movies, books, TV, DVD player, PS2, games and anything that will keep me from painting. I'm going to turn my room into an art studio with a bed and dresser. This will narrow my options for keeping myself occupied: doing art, playing with my horses or sleeping.

I'm ready to take control of my life and be inspired. I don't want another day without art.